Thursday, April 25, 2019

Loose ends

Did you always know what you wanted to do with your life?  I did. I had plans.  They haven't panned out.  Some things have been far better than I imagined, like twenty years of marriage with my husband.  Other things have been way funnier, like parenthood.  Many things, though, never materialized.  Plans changed, and I'm no longer sure of what I want from the future.

The projects I thought would be materializing now haven't progressed.  My career in Anthropology didn't take off due to circumstances beyond my control. I have no idea what I'll do when my last child heads off to elementary school the same year my oldest heads to college.  I'm looking into those years and wondering what I should do with myself.

There are many things I'm interested in, but I have mastery over only a few of those.  I want to feel proud of myself and like I contribute something to the world, but I can't figure out what that might look like, and as I've gotten older, I've come to understand that I will have to, in all likelihood, going to have to do it myself.

But what do I do?  There are no easy answers here.  It's 100% soul searching, and while other people can chime in, I have to figure myself out, like we all do.  I can see how to help friends pull their projects together and move them into reality, but I struggle to do the same for me.  How annoying, and yet, it seems pretty typical, too.

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