Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Delays and dismay

My life seems to be one big delay. I spend all my time waiting for everyone else to do what they are supposed to be doing and changing my plans because they need more time or an adjustment.  It's always been like this, and it really bothers me.

Because I am always the one changing my plans whether it was my 10th birthday party, going back to school to finish my degree, or just getting my hair cut, it feels like I am always on someone else's schedule. It makes me feel like I'm not respected or valued or even thought of.  I get it from my kids, from my spouse, from friends, from family, from peers, and I wonder, 'What is wrong with me?"

I'm starting to suspect that the only thing "wrong" with me is that I've put up with it for too long.  Everyone has discovered that I'm flexible and uses it to their advantage, and then they forget how often it happens.  I could stop accommodating people right now and with no exceptions, but that seems like it will backfire spectacularly the first time I need someone else to be flexible.  I could continue to let everyone have their way, but I'll probably go insane. My last option is to try to find a middle ground, which I'm sure will involve lots of trial and error.

Joy. Personal change in hard and annoying. Of course, staying the way I am is just as bad.  I hate when I point out the obvious to myself.

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