Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Waiting is murder

If you had asked me a week ago what today would look like, I would have told you  that today would be a good day. Mercury retrograde is ending, the weather is not frightfully hot, and I crossed off one of the projects on my To Do List. It's not working out that way, and I'm sad, angry, and really, really tired. Yesterday was supposed to be a day of great news and happiness for my family, and it turned into the sort of nightmare that drags out until you are as exhausted as you are terrified.  I don't know how to cope, and I don't really know what to do with myself for a week.

I spent the entire spring trying to get to pregnant, and at the beginning of June, I finally was.  Yesterday, at my first prenatal visit, we got bad news- things don't look right on the ultrasound. Measurements don't add up, and there was no heart beat.  I go back, to see my regular obstetrician, instead of the midwife and obstetrician who performed the ultrasounds this week, on Tuesday to confirm, but they also gave me instructions for dealing with the medical aspects of a miscarriage and advised my husband and I too think about what we want to do if this isn't a viable pregnancy.  Things aren't looking good for us, and the wait is killing me.

I bounce between holding out hope that the ultrasound was simply too early and sorrow since things really didn't look right.  I'm starting and dropping projects all over the house. I keep taking Google away from myself, as it's not helping the emotional roller-coaster to read about other people's experiences.  I know there is nothing to be done except waiting- waiting for Tuesday or waiting for the cramps to start- and I'm trying to avoid falling into a depression over this.  Like everything else in life, all I can do is keep going.

Yesterday, when I called Heather, she told me "This sucks. There is nothing I can say to make it better. It just sucks. I'm sure there is a life lesson in there, but you don't want to hear it, and I don't know what it is."  Strangely, that's the most comforting thing I've heard so far.

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