Monday, July 14, 2014

The process of healing

Thursday, my  obstetrician confirmed that my pregnancy was not viable. The fetus had no heart beat and had not grown in ten days, and it was time to let go.  I can't say the news was totally unexpected, but it was very sad.  Now, I am recovering, both physically and emotionally from the experience.

Physically, I am tired, hurting, and a bit weak.  The medication to finish the miscarriage process was quick, but it was also painful and exhausting.  I'm still on the pain killers, off and on, depending on my pain level.  My husband seems to think I'm almost healed, but I don't feel it, yet.

Emotionally, I am all over the place.  One minute I'm accepting and hopeful for the future, and the next I'm sorrowful and hopeless.  I'm angry some of the time, at my husband, at myself, at the world.  If pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster, this is a rocket launch and crash that repeats every few hours.

Healing, I know, is a process.  There will be good days and bad days. There will be moments when you can see how far you've come and others when all you can see is the pain of that moment. It is a process that highlights many aspects of your long term relationships, both the good and the bad.  It is also a process that illuminates our own inner workings. For some of us, we have to get and angry and sad before we can get better. We have to do it out loud in the light, while other people process everything where no one can see it. I sleep when I hurt, but my husband throws himself into manual labor. I need to talk, but he needs silence.

Healing can't be forced, and it is not the same process for any two people.  This will take time and energy, and I have no idea where or when the process will end and what I will look like when it's done. All I can hope for is that it is complete and quick and with as little pain as possible.

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage many years ago and know how painful it can be. Give yourself all the time you need to heal. Some don't understand. I remember some of the advice I got was 'you can always try again.' Well, that didn't help me to heal from the one I lost. It took me awhile, but eventually things did get better and two years later I had my youngest. (((Hugs)))
    Mary

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  2. Aine O'BrienJuly 17, 2014 at 5:18 AM

    Oh, I'm sorry and sad for you. Grieving is a very personal, individual journey. There are no wrongs or rights, no appropriate anythings. Let it take its course and concentrate on getting through not getting over.

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