Saturday, August 17, 2013

Selfishness v. selflessness

Sometimes I think the real tragedy of my life isn't anything typically tragic, but my sense of duty to other people's happiness. I've missed a lot of opportunities waiting for someone else's dream to be realized, and then when my turn came, I was too late for what I wanted. I always seem to be waiting to do what I want, and that hurts.  

I was the perfect child for my parents so that I didn't cause extra stress and disrupt their business. Then, when they divorced, that business was gone, as though it had never been.  I stayed near home for college and then ended up in trouble academically, financially, and emotionally. Later, I put off finishing school for my husband to take a job at a historic British car dealership in San Francisco.  I graduated, with honors, but their were no celebrations, and the economy was in bad shape.  Grad school was out of my financial reach, and even now, years later, I'm paying my student loans that never seem to go away. So then, I because there were no jobs, I put my energy into being a wife and mother.  I put off getting pregnant last year, to allow my husband to quit a job that made him miserable, and the new one doesn't look that bright.  Now, I don't feel like I've managed to get anywhere or do anything.

I get angry at myself a lot for feeling this way, but almost as frequently, I'm mad at the people in my life who ask so much of me.  It's a cycle of anger and loathing and fear that makes me hurt. I am disappointed in myself for not having any accomplishments to speak of, but I continue to put everyone else first.  It's one pattern of behavior I desperately want to break out of, and it's the one that I'm most afraid will end relationships.

Recently, Heather read the tarot cards for me, and the advice was clear.  I should invest in myself and be selfish for a change. Everyone else should just deal with it.  Of course, in order to do that, I have to figure out what I want and invest in that spiritually, emotionally and monetarily.  That's just as difficult a task as breaking my cycle of behavior.

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