Friday, April 5, 2013


One of the hardest lessons of living with anyone- parent, child, spouse, friend- is learning to understand what they need from you.  After nearly fifteen years, you might expect this to get easier, but it's not.  History often gets in the way. Old hurts sometimes fester in strange and frightening ways.

Last night, my husband came home from work in a funk.  It shouldn't have been a surprise, as this funk has been brewing like a storm for weeks.  He's been silent and taciturn.  Last night, though, he was wearing a look that makes me very worried.  It's the look that preceded him quitting his jobs in the past. It's the look that precipitated decisions that ended up being very bad for me personally.  This week hasn't been great. I have been in pain, and I have got none of the things I wanted to get done finished. I'm tired, achy, and frustrated.  I also feel pretty abandoned.  I haven't had much help from anyone in the house, in spite of the fact that I can't move around without pain.  I had pulled myself together yesterday and cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, and made dinner.  All of these circumstances made for a not great climate for peace.

Once the kids went to bed, we ended up arguing.  After an hour or so, we went to bed (my husband to sleep, me to read), but nothing was resolved.  All of my frustration, bitterness, and fear chased me through the night and has made today as grey as the sky.  as important as it is to live int he here and now, there is a certain amount of dealing with the fears and disappointments of our pasts that need be done.  If we ignore this work, our domestic relationships will often suffer through repeated episodes of the same argument.  I find that I have left work undone in the past, and now it prevents me from moving forward.  I'm tired, and sad, but I can no longer put this off.

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