Thursday, January 24, 2013

Armor

Tuesday, while talking to a friend, I had confirmation of something I had always subtly felt about my relationship with another person, but something I had always assumed was that annoying little voice in my head that is constantly trying to rob me of my happiness, Depression.  Obviously, after finding out that I was being used and had been talked about behind my back, I'm embarrassed to have trusted this person and feeling a bit stupid.  Of course, this person is an excellent liar and has fooled more than just me, so I'm in excellent company. I'm feeling vulnerable, raw, and hurt, as is to be expected.

Most of my life, when I have been betrayed or hurt, my reaction has been to armor myself against future injury.  That armor successfully keeps out most pain, but it also keeps out other important experiences   Armor, I think, isn't the answer.

Like all creatures, I need to protect myself from harm.  I also need to avoid being so wrapped up in protective gear that it becomes cumbersome and prevents movement and growth.  A shield, in this instance is a better tool than a suit of armor.  I'm not talking about the high tech shields of sci fi, that are nearly magical globes that armor a ship as surely as a suit of armor protected a knight.  I mean the old fashioned ones, worn on the body and raised in times of need. A shield requires the user to maintain vigilance, to employ the shield only when necessary, and most of all, it does not allow us to passively assume safety and assured health.  It won't protect me from all hurts, but it also doesn't prevent me from seeing and experiencing the world in which I live, an important part of growing.

I'm bruised and embarrassed, but I refuse to let hurt feelings, no matter how uncomfortable and humiliating they are, preventing me from being happy and having other happier relationships.  I can have chosen to move forward with courage rather than hiding in fear.  In the end, I think this gives me the advantage over the person who hurt me, and as I keep telling the other people he's hurt, the best revenge is to go on and live a happy, fulfilling life while he wallows in the misery he so enjoys.

2 comments:

  1. Working on dismantling my own armor now. I've found that the pains of the past are negatively coloring my ability to accept goodness in my life. It is a struggle but as my brother says "we'll get cha there." Lol Thanks for this beautifully relevant post. :)

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  2. You will get there, Cena. Thanks for reading, and I'm so glad that this topic was relevant to someone else.

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