I had plans to try to get pregnant in February, but yesterday, I found myself in O.B./GYN's office getting my IUD replaced. It's not a comfortable procedure, and it feels heavily symbolic of my life right now. With buying a house seeming to be yet again out of my reach, the stress of my husband's job problems, and major behavior issues with one of the boys, on top of canceling the baby plans, I'm feeling pretty heart broken. It's raining here as I write, which seems a perfect back drop for my tears.
It's time like these when I wish I could unmake myself. Undo all of my decisions and be someone else. Do something else. Hope feels foolish, because reality is frequently disappointing.
I know we all have to face moments of disappointment and unfulfilled dreams, but I feel like mine are always sacrificed in favor of someone else's. That thought makes me feel guilty and selfish, because I want my loved ones to see their dreams fulfilled, too. I've never been certain about where the boundary between my love for others and my love for myself should be. It's frustrating and uncomfortable.
As I am trying to pull myself together, I am also trying to decide where my energy can be most constructively used for something positive. I'm trying not wallow or lash out, while still being supportive of my husband and sons. It's a fine line that needs to be walked here, and I haven't figured out where the boundaries are. My dreams will have to evolve, or I will have to stop dreaming. I'm not sure I can though.