Friday, November 30, 2012

Can you dream in reverse?

I had plans to try to get pregnant in February, but yesterday, I found myself in O.B./GYN's office getting my IUD replaced. It's not a comfortable procedure, and it feels heavily symbolic of my life right now. With buying a house seeming to be yet again out of my reach, the stress of my husband's job problems, and major behavior issues with one of the boys, on top of canceling the baby plans, I'm feeling pretty heart broken. It's raining here as I write, which seems a perfect back drop for my tears.

It's time like these when I wish I could unmake myself. Undo all of my decisions and be someone else. Do something else.  Hope feels foolish, because reality is frequently disappointing.

I know we all have to face moments of disappointment and unfulfilled dreams, but I feel like mine are always sacrificed in favor of someone else's. That thought makes me feel guilty and selfish, because I want my loved ones to see their dreams fulfilled, too. I've never been certain about where the boundary between my love for others and my love for myself should be. It's frustrating and uncomfortable.

As I am trying to pull myself together, I am also trying to decide where my energy can be most constructively used for something positive. I'm trying not wallow or lash out, while still being supportive of my husband and sons. It's a fine line that needs to be walked here, and I haven't figured out where the boundaries are. My dreams will have to evolve, or I will have to stop dreaming. I'm not sure I can though.

2 comments:

  1. Oh. This is a tough one. I'm so sorry that you have lost hope. I'm conflicted about hope and dreams myself, so I don't know that I can comfort you but I'll just share what I know so far.

    I am an older person so I have years of hopes and dreams behind me. Some have been realized and many more have not. The ones that have not - well, in the case of MANY of them, I can now see why it was a good thing that they were not. For the others, I can assume that a certain percentage at least are better off not being realized ( I assume this because of all the possibilities out there.)

    There are those out there that say "never let go of your dreams" and "do not give up hope." These are pretty sayings and sometimes it is good advice, but sometimes we just have to carry on and see what happens. When I have done that in my life, the odds were better for me - most of the time in the end my dreams were realized but perhaps by a different route than the one that I first imagined. And for the most part it was a more scenic route. (Hey - they take longer, but the sites are much better!)

    So, my advice is this - get to the real root of your hopes and dreams. What is it that you REALLY want? For instance - what positive life change/personal change, etc, would you see a baby bringing? Then you can hope for that while carrying on with your life and trying to live with the knowledge that things will work out.

    As for focusing your life on what you want vs what you family wants - well i learned a long time ago to put that balance sheet away as it will never balance - at least not in the way we think. Everything equals out in the end - it's the law of Karma - of cause and effect. Your family may not wake up one day and appreciate you endlessly, but what energy you put out you will receive back in some way. The balance sheet mentality just made me a really angry bitchy person. Karma keeps me sane and strangely enough - hopeful.

    Sorry this was so long. I guess it's official - I'm a rambling old lady! :)

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  2. Aine, I love your rambling. I see from your writing that many things don't change as we go through life, but our perspective does. I, for one, am grateful for the advice and the questions you bring. You're carrying on an important tradition among spiritual women- you're sharing your wisdom with those of us who haven't faced these challenges yet, and you remind us that life goes on and so,too, must we. Thank you.

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