Sunday, August 26, 2012

Between the axe and the altar

Recently, I wrote about letting go of some part of myself, and I believe that there are parts of me that I do need to let go of.  Of course, the people closest to me disagree about with parts those should be, making self creation an even more challenging task. This is one of those times when relationships can be a pain in the ass.

I am trying to create a self that I am comfortable as, that I love, and that reflects all of the hopes and ambitions and lessons of my life.  It means that I am revisiting the past and trying to actively forgive myself for mistakes and forgive others for the wrongs they have done to me. It's hard work, the sort that won't be done in a short period of time.  It's also work that nobody can really help you with. I also find that I can't always explain why I approach this labor the way I do; it makes sense to me so I do it, but I don't care to articulate my reasoning because it is exhausting and emotionally charged.

My mom thinks she's figured out what I need to let go of: my anger towards my dad- the guy who raised me not the "sperm donor".  It's one of those places in my heart that is still scabbed over.  The wound is still fresh enough that I treat it carefully and often try not to think about it too much (for those of you with depression or anxiety, you know how an idea can be a sort of rot that eats your ability to cope).  I know I need to let go of the anger. I need to forgive both parents for their roles.  I need to acknowledge that mistakes were made all around: I certainly made some decisions out of hurt and anger, but I am already making my peace with myself over those decisions.  What I don't think I'm required to do is try to make a new relationship with him.  Maybe I should, but I hate feeling forced. I hate that he abandoned me, just like every other father figure has. I hate that I was stuck in the middle, when I was vulnerable, when Colin and I were apart from each other for school. I hate that I, at 21years old, had to be the adult.  I hate that I lost an extended family I thought loved me the way I loved them. I hate the reminder that trust, once lost, is very difficult to rebuild.  

I am also terrible to deal with when I feel trapped or coerced.  Right now, I feel trapped between wanting to be the good girl my mom expects (even though I'm rather more rebellious now than I was as a teenager) and not hurting.  Mom knows that I hate being pushed into a decision, but she also feels obligated to make me happy (not her responsibility, it's mine). Right now, I can't bear the thought of ripping the scab of that wound in my heart, not even if it will make things better in the long run.  The fear that it will be so much worse and the pain will be more than I can handle, especially right now. What I know I need to do, what I'm ready to accept, and what I feel are all at odds.

Self creation is a powerful force, but before we get to our most real self, I'm assuming we will all find ourselves between the axe and the altar, feeling that there is no safe place to go.  Being there and feeling like this doesn't mean we have to chose to be sacriced, but it means that we now must rely on your intuition, our imagination, and trust ourselves to find a way out, or accept the consequences of sacrificing ourselves to make peace.  Scary, right?


2 comments:

  1. Have you ever tried to ask why they cut you off? If you can find that out it may help you decide if it's worth even trying to.

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    Replies
    1. Betty, thanks for commenting. I have asked and everyone either ignores me, tries to brush me off as too sensitive, or tells me it's my fault for having been angry.

      I know that I can't recreate the past, and I feel like that is what my mom is asking me to do.

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