Monday, July 30, 2012

One year feeling out of control

Here I sit, at 12:37a.m. on my 33rd birthday. I can't sleep., even though I should be exhausted. We took Aiden to the zoo today, then I came home and made pizza from scratch. My body is tired, but my mind won't stop.  Examining my life, is keeping me awake as much as a nagging fear that something is off tonight.

I feel like I haven't done enough with my life. My goals are not being accomplished, and since last July, I haven't managed to get back any control over my life. There are no jobs in my field, so I can't go back to work. I can't currently afford grad school, and the business I was trying to start a few years ago isn't going to happen, for a lot of reasons. I also had one of those parenting moments today that I wasn't ready for: Aiden isn't going to be little for much longer. Gavin is approaching 10 and has left many childish things behind, and now Aiden is about to do the same. That scares the hell out of me. I miss the magic of having a baby, but I'm scared to has another right now. I'm excited for Aiden to start school in a few weeks, but I'm not sure what to do with myself for those three hours a day. To top off all my fears, we're contemplating making a big move, in light of some unpleasantness at my husband's job.

As I look back at my past choices and unfulfilled goals, I wonder if I can ever make the right choices and be happy. On bad days, I pretty certain that I can't because I wasn't born at the right time to an upper middle class family. Other times, I can tell myself that I have beaten the odds of my origins many times over and that I can still make something amazing out of my life. Of course, since last year's birthday (the same day as my husband's grandmother's party in Colorado), I feel like every decision has been taken out of my hands.  I hate feeling like I can't change anything, and I hate feeling like I'm moving backwards (which suddenly strikes me as funny as I was born during a Mercury retrograde and we're currently in Mercury retrograde).  All I can do for the moment is to watch, wait, observe, research and carefully consider my options, which tends to contribute to my insomnia.

Are birthdays difficult days for you, or are they wonderful celebrations of your life? Me, I'm prepping for a rather mundane day.  My husband will be working two jobs each day this week, so celebrating is on hold, and I'm feeling pretty emotional (darn hormones are making me cry over stupid stuff, like the Transformers movie, and wilted lettuce in my garden).  Trying to remain positive, in the face of unending static energy has been difficult. All my fears are building, and I don't have any idea about what I should do with myself in this next year.

3 comments:

  1. Birthdays are not a big thing for me at all. I hope that even in the midst of all this difficulty you have the opportunity to feel blessed that you are alive. Happy Birthday.

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