Sunday, April 1, 2012

Everybody's Support

I am the one that people in my life turn to when they need support. For the most part, it doesn't bother me. It's useful. There are times, though, when it gets me into trouble.

People forget that I am only human and that I, too, sometimes need support. It happens when I most need it, too. The collapse of my emotions tends to be catastrophic; and because I am everybody else's pillar, they end up falling apart, too.

This week, it happened twice. My heart is bruised, and I have to decide whether to forgive (but never forget) or close myself off to avoid hurting. I know what I should do, but when I hurt like this, it's hard to do the right thing. It's even harder to do when anger and confusion are thrown into the mix. It's easy for me to lash out, to hurt people back (and I know exactly how to hurt them the most), to shut out everything but that burning, blazing fire of fury because it keeps me going, whereas pain is debilitating.

I can live off anger, but there is an incredible cost that will need to be paid down the road. Healing requires absorbing and dealing with pain now; in the future I could find myself happier and healthier, or I can be permanently scarred. I know that choice is mine.

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