Thursday, January 26, 2012

The wacky dream (well the part I can polite discuss at least)

Sunday night, I had some wacky dreams.  Airplanes, giant people, kidnapped kids (not mine more a twisted version of Hansel and Gretel) and a visit to a hilltop cemetery with a gorgeous guy.  Maybe it was something I ate, maybe it was the emotional upheaval I've been going through, or maybe, it was my brain finally getting some of it's message through my thick skull.

The important part of this dream was the end.  I found myself walking up a hill, in the twilight to a cemetery.  It was an old one, that had been disused and now was in state of decline.  From it's layout and the grave markers (did I mention that I've researched grave markers and I have a weird love of burial places?), I could tell that it was once beautiful and important.  Time had passed, however, and nature was encroaching.  This beautiful man, who I don't know in my waking life, had his arm around me.  Suddenly, I broke down, crying, clutching his shirt and apologizing for sending him away.  I realized that he was an important and loved part of my life that I had willingly and viciously thrown away.  In the dream, he comforted me, forgave me, and even understood my choices.  I woke suddenly with a feeling of loss (I wasn't done with my dream) and some confusion.

Hours later, sitting on the sofa holding my son while he drank a sippy cup of milk and cuddled, I realized who the man was.  It was a sudden and amazing realization. He's that other part of myself that I at one point in my life threw away because it wasn't who I thought I wanted to be then.  He is the animus, the masculine to mate to the feminine life experience. He is the God to the Goddess, and he is back in my life and he forgives me for trying to get rid of him.

I feel like I am on the road to completing myself.  The journey has been alternately fascinating and frustrating, but in the last year, I am starting to see that the scenery is changing and so am I.

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