Being in a particularly wicked mood today, I am starting to plan my "senility". I don't plan of going senile, just convincing everyone else that I am. This is my version of "When I'm an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple":
- Wetting my son's bed (which has done repeatedly to me), while he's in it. I'm just gonna crawl in and claim I'm scared.
- I shall start using the child method of clothing coordination (if both pieces share a color, they must match, regardless of pattern). On the other hand, my husband shall only be allowed to wear perfectly matched three piece suits.
- I will ask endless, pointless questions about whatever the current pop music and television exist
- I will talk about old people sex and past encounters.
- I'm going to flirt with busboys and cute waiters, then tip them well.
- Whenever somebody asks me for a recipe, I will leave out an ingredient so that theirs is never as good as mine.
- I will wonder, out loud, about anything that pops into m head.
- I will carry on the family tradition of threatening missionaries who knock on the door. (My great grandmother, who I did know, used to threaten to run the JW's through with her Mormon horns, and she would just threaten to run through the Mormons).
- I will feed my grandchildren loads and loads of sugar and buy noisy toys that cannot be turned off, then I will turn down my hearing aid and "wonder" what all the fuss is about.
- I'm going take up watching wrestling and swearing in foreign languages as a hobby.
- Telling stories, for no reason other than I feel like it, even when inappropriate, will be my chief form of entertainment.
- I will tell teenagers about everything gravity affects (likes boobs, earlobes, noses and testicles).
- I'll go around in public with curlers in my hair.
- My lipstick will extend well beyond my lips and will be red.
- I'm also going to refer to everything as a "thingy", "whatchamacallit", or "doohiggy". No proper names for me.
Okay, just writing this has cheered me up. My husband I have for years planned to torture our offspring and theirs with things like insisting unmarried couples can't sleep in the same room and then spending our time "catching" them trying to sneak around (we actually have these very sophisticated and evil plans to do this involving surveillance equipment and secret passages). Then we'll ask why they don't have sex like normal couples. We also think our portraits should have moving eyes installed before our deaths just to creep out the kids.
Yeah, goals are good.