Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hanging on

Depression is a painful disease.  It steals away your hope and your energy.  The drug treatments for it are fraught with danger: some can cause suicidal thoughts, others stomach bleeds, or memory problems.  For me, the drugs turn me into an insomniac and dampen my creativity.  So the decision, each morning, is whether I should take those pills and not feel quite so depressed, or do I skip them and take my chances by being my unadulterated self?

There are days when little things snowball to flatten me.  Something little, like making a simple mistake can combine with the behaviors of the people around me and send me over the edge into deep depression that lasts for days.  Last Friday was one of those days, I'd been excited and optimistic about the fitness challenge.  My mood was perky and my energy high.  Then the letter in the mail saying that the rent is being raised blocked out all the light. I went to bed after picking a fight with my husband and crying.

I'm feeling a bit clearer today.  I've started the nasty chore of looking for a new apartment within this school district, it's been a bit disheartening.  I've also started looking for a part time job, and my husband has applied for a second job teaching auto repair at a community college.  I keep telling myself that action is the antidote to despair.  I've tried distraction and meditation; I'm faithfully taking my pills.  I even went for a walk this morning.  So far, I'm holding my head above water, but I'm scared.

For everyone out there who struggles with a mood disorder, know that you aren't alone.  Even some of us who seem to be doing okay, are struggling behind our masks.  Hang in there, keep fighting.  Maybe tomorrow will better.





6 comments:

  1. You have always supported me when I am trying to dig myself out from under my depression so I am here to support you. I know you can do this and I know how hard it can be. This might help...I work from home for Teletech go to hirepoint.com they are hiring right now. It might help for the time being. Also I will offer up prayers to Kali for you she busts through destructive behaviors and ushers in change she always helps me. ^_^ Good luck and I am cheering for you from the sidelines. Be Blessed*

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  2. Thank you, Delphi! I'll check out the job. I'm so grateful for your support.

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  3. My mother and my son are both bipolar and I have a tendency towards depression myself. I understand how hard it can be to break out of a rut. I have found that taking a moment to reflect/meditate on the good things helps me pull out of it sometimes. I can't afford medication so I am unfamiliar with the effects, but that doesn't sound good. I will keep you in my thoughts and light a cnadle to help you find your way towards the light. :) Hugs!

    Sandi

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  4. I'm so glad I found your blog! Not only is it beautifully presented but it comes from the heart and speaks to things I also deal with.

    Know that you're not alone. I have Major Depressive Disorder and probably would have won the disability case (for this, Fibromyalgia, Graves Disease, etc) IF my lawyer had not advised me to "make light of the depression thing".

    I've been on numerous meds, have been suicidal at times and I KNOW that feeling when you know you're sinking into the darkest recesses AND how hard it is to climb back out. Hang strong friend! You can email me or talk to me anytime.

    Brighter Days and Brightest Blessings

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  5. Thanks, Polly, and welcome.

    I am so grateful for all of the support I receive both here and from my near by friends. May you all have happiness and beauty in your lives. Know that I appreciate the sentiments and wish for the best for us all.

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