Thursday, July 14, 2011

Petty Rebellions against wearing a mask

One at a time, I have been removing my masks.  These are the false images I present at times to avoid dealing with certain situations.  It's been rather liberating.  I used to like who I was, and at some point in my early 20's I turned into someone I didn't really know, or even like.  For the last few years, I have been recreating myself and learning about my strengths, weaknesses, and true self.  I'm beginning to be more comfortable in my skin, and I don't worry too much about what other people think.

Unfortunately, I have to put on one of masks again, for a short time, and I'm a bit cranky about it.  I could skip it, but that wouldn't make things run any smoother during this time.  Sometimes, it's better to smile and nod than to make waves in already troubled waters.  I can keep the peace or I can be fully myself.  Not a fun choice.  So I will, for my husband's sake, put on the hated mask (that now can be conveniently camoflauged by my nifty new prescription sunglasses).  Of course, I am childishly adding a petty rebellion to the mix.  I'll be wearing baby pink highlights in my hair, just to be strange.  It's bratty, but it makes me feel more in control of a situation that is so far out of my control that it's funny.

Chances are, nobody but the kids will notice my minor statement, but it will make me feel better.  Sometimes, when the choices are the ax and the altar (as the Roman saying went), all you can do is laugh, then make your choice.  This is my laughter in the face of being forced to do things because they are the proper thing to do.  Being a Leo, I hate being told what to do; it awakens the most obnoxious, perverse parts of my personality, which are usually fairly dormant.  

When you are forced to be someone you aren't, by circumstances, try to find a way to honor who you really are, even if it is small.  It will serve as a reminder that it's not forever and that you are still worthwhile, beautiful and powerful, even if other people never notice.

Defining myself, as opposed to being defined by others, is one of the most difficult challenges I face.--Carol Mosely-Braun

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