Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Mercury and grief

During Retrograde periods, especially those of Mercury, we often are revisited by the past.  Sometimes we discover tasks left undone, or revisit old events in new ways, or find that long put off discussions have to happen right now.  Our communications' go astray, our choices come with price tags we didn't bargain for, and we find that plans are oft undone.  We can continue to ignore all the things that come up during these periods, or we can use the time constructively to put our affairs in better order.

Mercury has been witness to something important that I left undone: grief.  Mercury is, after all, a psychopomp, a ferry man to the dead, and so he understands the value and necessity of grieving.  It is a journey that he has guided many, many souls through. As I draw nearer to when my lost baby should have been due, I am finding that I have not properly grieved for my loss. I didn't give those emotions the time or attention I should have (A busy schedule makes putting off important self care and spiritual needs very easy, I have learned). I didn't work through them or even fully acknowledge them, and now, they have festered to the point at which I have no choice but to deal with them.

Grief, put off or ignored, does not just go away. If grows tough roots that keep it close to us, much like weeds in a garden.  It robs us of a little energy every day until it blossoms into something unpleasant.  I am now looking for ways to deal with my grief and fear and disappointment that are healthier than trying to wait it out.  I cry, a lot. I am angry and frustrated.  I am perfectly normal in how i feel, but it still feels very lonely.

I need to find both time and space to grieve, to memorialize, and to let go; my problem is that haven't haven't found the right way for me.  I am in unfamiliar territory, and there is never going to be a map through it because it is a constantly shifting landscape that we each create when sorrow strikes.  I know that one day, I will find my way through this, stronger and with observations on the process, but right now, I don't have any idea about when that will be.

I had been prepared to see this Mercury Retrograde period bring up relationship issues, finances, and even the odd task that I forgot to finish, but I am surprised to be dealing with this.  That to, seems to be typical of Mercury, but it is easy to forget his connection to the dead (and therefore, grief) when we normally see him in a more typical light as the trickster who urges us to finish what we start, to think before we act, and to look at our situations form a new perspective.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Un-planning

Most of us, thanks to Disney, are familiar with the un-birthday.  I'd like to introduce to the un-plan.  It's like a road map, but less precise. It's also like a calendar with no dates just vague indications of "soon", "later", and "in the future".

For the last few years, I have become an expert at the un-plan.  I think things through, make task lists, create and idea for the future, but I have also found that putting any of these on the calender means they get cancelled all together.  It's not easy, and it certainly isn't a fun way to live, but it does, for the moment work (sort of).

When plans go awry, I've found that adjusting, re-prioritizing, and letting go of as many due dates as possible can be the only way to not lose my head.  At least this is what I keep telling myself when I get impatient and frustrated.