Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Inarticulate

I typically find that I can convey some semblance of thoughts to other people.  Obviously, As you all read many of these thoughts without emailing me to say. "Mandy, I don't understand a word you write," I manage.  Sometimes, thought, words elude me. Sometimes this inarticulate period affects only my writing, and I stop writing until I can communicate again. Other time, I find that even talking is leaving me frustrated.  It would be so much easier if I could just share the ecosystems of my mind with you whole cloth and unaltered.

You could see the origin of ideas that would take volumes to convey but which take seconds in my mind to experience. You could see why some things are conflated in my head, but others are only distantly related.  You could understand with depth my thought process, but without sacrificing hours to read through or listen to them.  If I could show you my inner symbols, I think you would see me differently. Of course, if I could do all these things, I would also have to decide whether or not I was brave enough to do it.

Hopefully, I will find my way out of this inarticulate phase soon.  It's frustrating to only be able to connect with myself when I have something I want to share.  I look for ways to explain, I write long posts and delete them or archive them without publishing.  I tried painting them, too, but that was a bust.  I can't even adequately explain them out loud, so I can't bounce them off of anyone else.  If I could, I might be able to distill them down to some writings.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Ringing phones

I've been having one of those weeks when I am afraid of my cellphone.  It's also one of those weeks when I don't dare silence it. I have too many things going on to miss an important phone call or email. When the phone rang roots morning,  I was across the room.  My first response was a knife of fear. "Please don't be something I don't want to deal with, " I chanted as I reached for it.

It was a dear friend who I've only been able to wave at as we drove past each other. She was calling to chat since we hadn't been able to get together lately. Our lives have been busy and full of unexpected interruptions,  and we compared notes about how we feel and how we're coping. It was nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these feelings and thoughts, even though I'm sorry she's feeling that way.  She understands, and that is where the comfort comes from. 

The funny, or not so funny, part of this is that we've both been meaning to call each other.  Life kept getting in the way, and we both felt the urge and longing to talk to each other.  Next time I feel that I should pick up the phone and call her, I think I'll be a little more motivated, because she probably wants to talk, too.